It's Never To Late

There are some days when you just want to give up. There are sometimes when I think maybe, just maybe, it would be easier if I just did not care anymore. If I could just throw in the towel and start fresh. But then I have memories that keep me from it.

I have the memory of picking my sister up from the gas station, her battered, bruised and over tired. She was in great need of some TLC, without the ability to accept it from us. I remember reaching my hand back over my seat, squeezing her hand and turning up the radio as loud as I could without destroying our eardrums. I remember us singing along to a song I'd never really paid attention to before, as loud as we could muster, with tears streaming down my face.

Tonight while in the car, I was feeling like I could just not even possibly ever think about accepting anything more, enduring anything more then I have in my lifetime. I thought to myself, "There must be an end to all of this. There must be hope, there must be a light at the end of this tunnel. I can not let myself sit here and feel as if there is no hope any longer." And then I turned the station on the radio, and the song we sang that day was playing.

Things can never be the same, for my own sake. I can't jump in with both feet. But I am looking forward to the day when I feel able to trust enough to stick in my big toe and see what happens.

Thank you universe... I needed that reminder.

Song- Never Too Late- Hedley

I can't help but question some things lately. If the family I love loves me as I do them? If a drug addict is even capable of love? If I can still brush all of the pain of the betrayals to the side, because "It's not her, it's the addict in her."

I'm no longer certain that is the answer. I keep running over things in my head, again and again. Is there ever any good way to deal with a thief? Is this something I must become numb to, never again to feel like a normal human being because it's been a constant in my life? No one should be able to conjure up a feeling of betrayal and heartbreak faster and easier then one of security and contentment.

I can't put my heart and so much work into loving someone, despite all they've done to me and those I love, if they can't even show me that they're trying.

I don't want to be the one who has to charge any more. I feel like despite everything that has happened, it's always the faithful few who have been there through everything, that work so hard to prove their love. And for what? It's the most clear and visible thing. It's tangible. I always imagined that you could touch the love I have for my sister. That if need be I could follow it like an invisible spool of thread one end tied to my finger, another to hers, despite any distance.

I don't imagine that anymore. I think she cut that thread long ago, and I've spent all these years trying to no end to find her end of the string. Every once and awhile, I got it, and rushed to tie a loopy bow, but it was never strong enough, she just kept pulling away. I can't keep running after her, trying to rein her in if she can't even give me a couple still minutes so I can tie a strong knot. I think now her string is tied to something else. Substance over human connection.



I don't know where things go from here. But it's time now. It's time for me to accept that something has to change, and it has to be me. I've been taking baby steps, I've been changing things slowly, in hopes that by the time I got to this point, she'd have had some sort of life changing experience. She'd want to try and make things different. But I'm here, and she's not even in the same book, let alone on the same page.

When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor
and orders another, well, I wonder what he did that for.
That's when I know that I have to get out, 'cause I have been there before
so I give up my seat at the bar and I head for the door.- Mr's Potter's Lullabye- The Counting Crows